Sometimes you have to look back to see where you are.
Here’s a poem for you to digest.
I’m at a crossroad*.
Stuck between, do I continue to move forward or
just let it all go?
As a woman,
I’m constantly feeling driven
by my instincts,
not caring what people think,
but right now. Right now,
I stand at a crossroad.
I’m dealing with the catch 22 of being strong and powerful,
a black woman,
with missions and goals,
with a voice too ferocious to cage in a stronghold,
yet truth be told,
I want to use this voice to tell you that my heart is shutting down,
that I feel alone
and because of this,
I’m feeling restless and volatile.
I am at a crossroad.
In silence, I’m being cautious,
because when you speak as a woman,
instantly we can be labeled as bitches.
But I don’t want to stay silenced,
so hear this:
I’m looking to be loved in all my glory,
as an artist, a musician,
as a rainbow fairy.
I want to know that you’ll show up when you say you will,
and that if I offer you a gift,
it’s because it’s just simply how I feel.
I don’t want for much else,
just to be understood,
and even more so, I don’t care about being understood,
as long as if I get frustrated, angry and
what you are used to of me,
you won’t run away,
thinking I’m “too hood” or crazy.
I am educated, fascinated by many things, and respectfully, I incorporate my
experiences into my Being.
I am what I am. That I know.
But I can’t help but feel restless, standing in front of these two roads.
Because as a woman,
I have an image to uphold.
I don’t fit into your box, don’t jump @ the sound of tickin’ alarm clocks.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, speak my Honesties,
and I am vulnerable when I speak my mind about things
that I just can’t
or agree upon for fear of feeling
I am stuck. Standing.
Waiting to go long
to give up now and rise into the clouds.
To be amongst the angels,
my beloved universe,
that lifts me up even when
I’m spiraling down.
I am stuck, thinking maybe I should just cheer up.
Because when I look around, I have so much to be thankful for.
Things like the loyalty of a few friends,
and being able to sip clean water out of a favorite cup.
As a woman, I was bred to not be selfish. To give
Over myself to others,
but my family is small;
no sisters, no brothers, no mother and no grandmother,
just a father, and his father,
So all I know is being of service to others.
All I know is trying to get close to others,
because humanity needs each other,
and oh like no other,
I need music to cure me of these feelings because sometimes I. Feel. Down.
And it grabs me so hard sometimes,
that I feel like being a woman impales me,
because I feel like the curse in my family
has come to me and I’ll always
have to grapple with not feeling invisibility.
I am at a crossroads.
I am at a fork in the road, each one nudging me in the direction to go.
The channel to cross,
the tickling of the piano -
a melody in my heart that I have to constantly remind
to tell me
“it’s OK to grow”.
My budding dreams, budding
so all I know is that I’m standing here,
scared as hell,
but I know this will all be good
and it is.
And it will.
Nova Jade* – 86.08
*Writer’s Note: Crossroad is rarely written in the singular. I don’t give a damn.