Sometimes you have to look back to see where you are.
Here’s a poem for you to digest.
***
“Restless”
I’m at a crossroad*.
Stuck between, do I continue to move forward or
just let it all go?
As a woman,
I’m constantly feeling driven
by my instincts,
not caring what people think,
but right now. Right now,
here -
I stand at a crossroad.
I’m dealing with the catch 22 of being strong and powerful,
a black woman,
with missions and goals,
with a voice too ferocious to cage in a stronghold,
yet truth be told,
I want to use this voice to tell you that my heart is shutting down,
that I feel alone
and unsupported
and because of this,
I’m feeling restless and volatile.
I am at a crossroad.
In silence, I’m being cautious,
because when you speak as a woman,
instantly we can be labeled as bitches.
But I don’t want to stay silenced,
so hear this:
I’m looking to be loved in all my glory,
as an artist, a musician,
as a rainbow fairy.
I want to know that you’ll show up when you say you will,
and that if I offer you a gift,
it’s because it’s just simply how I feel.
I don’t want for much else,
just to be understood,
and even more so, I don’t care about being understood,
as long as if I get frustrated, angry and
show
any emotion
other than
what you are used to of me,
you won’t run away,
thinking I’m “too hood” or crazy.
I am educated, fascinated by many things, and respectfully, I incorporate my
experiences into my Being.
I am what I am. That I know.
But I can’t help but feel restless, standing in front of these two roads.
Because as a woman,
I have an image to uphold.
Though-
I don’t fit into your box, don’t jump @ the sound of tickin’ alarm clocks.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, speak my Honesties,
and I am vulnerable when I speak my mind about things
that I just can’t
seem
to get,
see,
or agree upon for fear of feeling
silly.
I am stuck. Standing.
Waiting to go long
or say
“So Long”,
to give up now and rise into the clouds.
To be amongst the angels,
my beloved universe,
that lifts me up even when
I’m spiraling down.
I am stuck, thinking maybe I should just cheer up.
Because when I look around, I have so much to be thankful for.
Things like the loyalty of a few friends,
and being able to sip clean water out of a favorite cup.
As a woman, I was bred to not be selfish. To give
Over myself to others,
but my family is small;
no sisters, no brothers, no mother and no grandmother,
just a father, and his father,
my grandpa,
So all I know is being of service to others.
All I know is trying to get close to others,
because humanity needs each other,
and oh like no other,
I need music to cure me of these feelings because sometimes I. Feel. Down.
Right.
Gloomy.
And it grabs me so hard sometimes,
that I feel like being a woman impales me,
because I feel like the curse in my family
has come to me and I’ll always
have to grapple with not feeling invisibility.
I am at a crossroads.
I am at a fork in the road, each one nudging me in the direction to go.
The channel to cross,
the tickling of the piano -
a melody in my heart that I have to constantly remind
to tell me
“it’s OK to grow”.
My budding dreams, budding
wings,
blossoming,
so all I know is that I’m standing here,
scared as hell,
but I know this will all be good
and it is.
And it will.
Nova Jade* – 86.08
*Writer’s Note: Crossroad is rarely written in the singular. I don’t give a damn.
